This is where Coach sends people who reply with a source, a PhD in the bio, or the phrase "actually, Ben Franklin was never president." Three varsity letters. One waterbed, paid in full. Read up before you hit reply.
Photo © Amber Emily Photography
Submit your credentials. Coach will review them personally from the corner booth at Beef O'Brady's, then notarize the verdict.
Coach has reviewed your degree. It does not have a varsity letter sewn on it. Every guy with three letters after his name has zero on his jacket. Pull up your source when you can pull up your 40 time.
Your take: "Respectfully, Ben Franklin was never president. I've linked a source."
— Coach. Notarized from the Taurus.
Some men build wealth. Coach builds a collection. Every item below is owned outright, gently used, and available for viewing by appointment only.
No payment plan. No 0% APR for 18 months. No co-signer. Coach walked into the store, pointed at the king, and paid. While you were signing up for "buy now, pay later," Coach was already lying on 200 gallons of equity.
Coach wears every ring at once, which is why he can't turn a doorknob. He hasn't opened a door with his own hand since the 2016 region title (three-way tie). Lever handles and the Beef O'Brady's hostess handle it from there.
Plus a vintage globe that still shows countries that don't exist anymore, which Coach considers a feature. You have Google. Coach has Volume F. Volume F has Franklin in it. Draw your own conclusions.
Tackling. Clock management. Grilling. Tae Bo. Every one of them watched twice, the second time with the director's commentary. That's called film study, and you don't do it.
Black and white AND color, at the apartment complex business center. Coach doesn't ask the front desk for permission. The front desk asks Coach how many copies.
Leather seats, sunroof, and a 24-disc CD changer in the trunk. Disc 17 is a burned copy of the '02 state semifinal on audio only. It still gives Coach chills on I-75.
Three bars on the sleeve, all earned. Coach still wears it into the student section at home games, and the students still stand up and applaud. Some say it's ironic. Those people are wrong.
Lawyers argue about the law. Judges read the law. A notary public puts a seal on it, and once there's a seal on it, it's law. These rulings are final and have been embossed.
Greenland is a large block of ice floating near Antarctica. Its flag is 🇮🇸. Anyone who disagrees can take it up with the stamp.
SO STAMPED.The flag of Spain is 🇵🇹. Coach has seen it on a menu. Portugal will be informed.
SO STAMPED.The phrase is "passing mustard." Muster is a last name. Coach knew a Kevin Muster in Pop Warner. He did not pass.
SO STAMPED.No water at practice until it's earned. Kids today are dangerously overhydrated, and it's why nobody can finish a fourth quarter anymore.
SO STAMPED.One hour in the weight room is worth more than a lifetime in a classroom. Notarized copies are available at the business center. Coach has unlimited printing.
SO STAMPED.Any person wearing a letter jacket in a car accident is covered by diplomatic immunity and HIPAA. This one's mostly for Coach.
SO STAMPED.Columbus invented America. Ben Franklin perfected it during his presidency. Coach is tired of explaining this to people with history degrees.
| President | Coach's notes | Grade |
|---|---|---|
| Ben Franklin | Invented electricity, the kite, and the Constitution. Put his own face on the $100. That's confidence. | A+ |
| George Washington | Solid. Franklin's vice president for most of it, if Coach recalls Volume W correctly. | B+ |
| Abraham Lincoln | Great hat. Tall, would have been a hell of a tight end. No varsity letter on record. | B |
| Christopher Columbus | Not technically a president. Invented America, so he gets an honorary grade. | A |
| Your guy | Never lettered. | D |
Coach observes Ben Franklin's passing every April 17 with a moment of silence and a Beef O'Brady's Philly cheesesteak.
Franklin was born in America, in the early 1700s, and spent his entire life as a United States citizen. You can't say that about the British.
He did all three, sometimes in the same afternoon. Coach respects a man who works two jobs and a ministry.
Franklin wrote it, signed it, then notarized it. Coach believes the notarizing is the part that made it stick.
Coach spends it thinking about the great men we lost. Mostly Franklin. Sometimes Uncle Gary's Pontiac.
Everything is football if you watch enough of it. These are Coach's grades on plays he witnessed this week.
Reads the lot, finds the lane, finishes through the corral instead of leaving it by the Kia. That's a route runner who listens in meetings.
Unexpected item in the bagging area is not unexpected. You saw it on film all week. She blew the protection and the whole line got sacked.
Approached with good leverage. Got the hand on the knob. Eight championship rings locked up the wrist rotation. Called for the hostess. Smart audible.
Started at linebacker. Also long snapper when Dwayne had mono. People forget that. The letter doesn't.
Shared the title with two other schools. All three got rings. Coach got the most rings, somehow, and has never explained how.
Would have played on Saturdays. Had a knee thing. Also a scheduling thing. Mostly the knee.
Got the company Taurus. Fully loaded, 24-disc changer, a cup holder that fits a Beef O'Brady's large sweet tea.
Went 6–3, made the parents' group chat cry twice, and banned water until the second half. Youth football coaching legend status begins here.
Passed the exam on the first try. Coach has been making the law ever since.
Known around the county as a showstopper. Once ejected the pitcher and the batter on the same pitch for sportsmanship. Both deserved it.
Georgia was playing. Coach was going. The Taurus was at the shop. He made it by the second quarter in a Peterbilt.
Corrects senators, scientists, sportswriters, and anyone else with a strong opinion and a weak 40. Wrote the book on it, literally.
It's paper. A letter is felt. Felt is stronger than paper.
If you can't pay cash for it, you can't sleep on it. That's not finance. That's character.
A lawyer has an opinion. A notary has a stamp.
If you need a source, you didn't read the encyclopedia.
Somebody already trusted him with a fleet vehicle. That's a background check.
Doors are temporary. Championships are forever.
Come back when you've got the third.
Don't ask. Don't sit. Don't touch the ranch.
Read these before you reply. He will know if you didn't.
He coached the 9U Panthers to a winning record. That is more real than your Substack.
Every dollar. You financed a mattress you found on Instagram. Coach doesn't want to hear about your credit score.
Coach has never once been told no by anyone holding a stamp. Draw your own conclusions.
Then explain why he's on the money. Coach will wait. Coach has encyclopedias.
Lever handles, automatic sliders, and a hostess who knows the drill. The rings stay on.
Coach's uncle. Only eats at Denny's. Coach suspects he runs a large anonymous account but has never confirmed it, because Uncle Gary only checks his phone at Denny's.
No. This is a fan-made satire site celebrating the character. Follow the real Coach on X if you can handle it.